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It is no small thing to talk about the child who made me a mother at age 24.

Isaac’s cries, his coos, his giggles, his feet plumping up, taking one tentative step then another- these were the things that ushered in my adulthood. They were the soundtrack playing while I became more patient, a bit stronger, more selfless and a bit more myself.

These days I am reminded of Isaac’s toddlerhood (not the tantrums or the sobbing, mostly) but the incredible deliciousness of discovering his apartness from me and the novelty getting to see him from a far. I remember noticing his growth- how large he would seem in my mother’s arms, or at the top of a slide. I remembering him returning to me more himself than before with a satisfied grin and sturdier legs – a being who owned his space in the world.

These years will be more of the same. I am proud to be your mother- the one you can leave and return to as more and more of yourself. You are funny, you are kind. You are smart. You have more thoughts at one than most people I know. You are fiercely independent and helpful at the same time. You are a loyal friend, brother and son.

When you were born, the nurses put you on my chest and my first words were struggling ones- words I know now are the very essence of young motherhood trying to integrate the pure body experience of pregnancy with the reality of a needy,wet human in her arms. I said, “Is that you? Is that you? Is that who you are?”

Every day since day that you have told me, “Yes.”

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This week’s Sensory Saturday is postponed. I am sensibly going to sleep. Tomorrow is a busy day at the end of which I will begin teaching my first ever Gentle Balance Birth Childbirth Class at a local baby boutique. I’ve been writing, re-writing and re-writing again my curriculum and packing up all my supplies in my deliciously adorable doula bag my sister made me for Christmas, but now it is time to let it go.

In the morning we will go to church with our kids and then to our new pastor’s house for lunch with his family of 6 kids. Between our two families there will be 9 children and four adults. At least I will be too busy to be nervous about teaching, right? I will then need to spend the afternoon napping in order to get ready for class in the evening. So, I will be unconscious and not nervous at all.

In truth, I am giddy with excitement about finally teaching this class. I’ve been preparing to teach it for 12 months, so it’s time to start actually teaching it. Now I plan to read Harry Potter until I fall asleep.

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