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Archive for the ‘writers’ Category

September is more than half gone, and yet it is still the first Monday all three of the children are off at school. It’s like that, Kindergarten. Your five your old goes off on the bus,  catches all the germs by licking the Legos, and then comes up and collapses in your arms on Friday afternoon.

He’s recovered now. So it is my first Monday of shipping them off. Were it not for my sister, I might have spent the day in my pajamas watching Mad Men on Netflix. Instead I am writing in a coffee shop with her. I have a coffee cup, a cell phone and a red netbook.  It turns out I look exactly like people who do this all the time.

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Usually, I make a revelation and something happens. This time was no different; it was a classic sucker punch that left me feeling unsafe and on edge. While reading at Mockingbird about David Foster Wallace’s short story of The Very Bad Thing which was, in fact, depression of the clinical variety, I realized that when I outed myself, I really outed this other Foreign thing that is both me and not me. As much as I fight IT, IT will fight me back.

I last wrote about Henry & Theo’s bravery pact crumbling in the dark. Some forms of comfort are more likely to work than others. I’m blessed to be on the receiving end of a whole lot more than someone shouting down into the hell hole that Jesus is in my heart. Like my three year old, my answer to that would be “No, I all alone,” you idiots, get down here and help me!”

Usually the thing that happens is a nice solid sucker punch, and I forget to mention it all again for 6 or 7 months. There is the rest of a long cold winter to get through, a business to get off the ground, more than a handful of changes on the home front with jobs, schools and schedules, there is a summer to plan, things still yet to be hoped for and all times the possibility of hopes dashed. This frightens me. I need some sort of bravery pact.

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