Has anyone else noticed that boys are second class citizens in certain contexts? It’s an oddity of life that I am experiencing right now, and it’s pushing all my buttons on the
topic of
loss, but that is a story for another time. Today, I am actually worried about the boys I have. I have accumulated over the last 8 and half years of mothering boys, countless pieces of anecdotal evidence to support my very sad claim. I will vent here on just one per boy, because really that is tragic enough for me today, don’t you think?
Not too long ago, I was expecting my youngest. I was shopping in a small family owned
toy store with LP in the stroller – he was 18 months at the time and singing and looking all around and very clearly
a boy. A store employee approached, asking if I needed help. I replied that we were just looking around for a gift. She indicated my pregnant belly and asked “what are you having?” Her tone was sweet, polite and warm. I said “I am having a baby boy.” Her eyes looked downwards. She answered, “oh,” with some disappointment. I was left with the general impression that I had given her the wrong answer. She and her toy store and her planet did not require another boy. I was not offered the standard “congratulations,” which I consider to be the most typical reply and most polite reply to me answering such a personal question for a complete stranger. I felt awkward and unwanted. We went home.
My oldest child, Thinker, has been coming off the bus upset from time to time. There are some girls who are teasing him. They keep it up pretty consistently and he is genuinely upset. I am the first to agree that girls and boys develop differently. I am even willing to agree that girls may develop relationally and emotionally more quickly. Where I fall right off the bandwagon is the speed of their development makes them better, or right. In this case, their teasing seems to be stemming from the fact that they are ready to develop a crush on my very adorable 8 1/2 year old. It is true that Thinker is not ready to reciprocate. It also true that were he older and more ready, this type of teasing would not truly bother him. He might pretend it did, but he’d actually be relishing in the attention and teasing a little back and experimenting with flirting. (Trust me, we’ll get there.) Right now, teasing just seems mean to him. He has no other context for it. He does not make great distinctions between friends that are boys and friends that are girls. In my mind, his concerns are valid. However, A common response to his concern is that he is making something out of nothing – that girls are just more mature than boys and he’ll have to get used to it, adjust, grow up faster. I’ve heard this from acquaintances (not always specifically about my child, but about similar situations) and to a certain extent from his teacher – though she has been careful in her wording. I think she knows I am a stay at home mom and could potentially get “over-involved” if it seemed warranted. What I am wondering is, why isn’t the unkind behavior displayed by these girls on the bus seen and named as unkind instead of a sign of their emotional maturity?
Lastly, the slightly more complicated case of Little Puppy. His case is almost most complicated, because I am never sure if the reception he receives from his peers is due to gender, his complex issues, or really nothing to do with him at all. He knows the names of all his friends, from church, school and all our own friendships. He talks about each of them happily and cheerfully and often greets them with big smiles. For all his difficulty coping with the ups and downs of life, he truly loves people and loves having friends. I’ve recently noticed some ignoring going on. We walked into school last week and LP greeted a little girl – we’ll call her Stacy. “There is Stacy, mom! Hi Stacy! Hi!” No response. Nothing, at all. She glanced his way and huffed. Stacy’s mom said “Hi! Stacy, say hi to LP.” Nothing. This continued from the parking lot into the building, until our paths parted to hang up coats before going to class. Nothing. Stacy ran into the class to greet, apparently, her real friends. I have no idea what was up with her. Her mother was clearly trying to have her be polite, but unable to achieve anything -and who wants to add the drama of a time out on the way into school. I do not blame her, honestly. LP’s emotional life is such that he did not pick up on the fact that she was purposefully not saying hello to him. He was very happy to see her. His own emotions overwhelm him so completely, it takes either a moment of intense calm or a huge emotional reaction to make him aware of anyone else’s feelings besides his own (btw, his usual response to this is relief, like it’s nice to get a break from being stranded with nothing but his own feelings, interesting topic for another post, I think.) So, he was fine, but my feelings were hurt on his behalf – ending with the happy result of me feeling like an idiot because a 4 year old girl just bothered me. LP made his difficult transition into class. A little boy jumped up, “Hi, LP! Hi!” I breathed a quick sigh of relief. He is capable of peer relationships. He is. He is not deficient, either because he is a boy, nor because he has post traumatic stress disorder or sensory processing issues. My child is liked.
My boys are plenty well loved and adored. It’s just hard to go out their in the world and see all this starting so soon. I don’t think it is helping anyone, slotting kids into roles quite so soon. Speed isn’t better. It’s not worse, but not better. Sooner or later, they may notice they are being treated rather shabbily – and as someone who wants her boys to grow up to respect women, I’m struggling, deeply, with this. I don’t blame the girls -somehow they are getting the message that this is okay. I’m not sure why that is, or what that means. If anyone has any kind words or advice, please leave them. If you are bothered by this, fair enough- just know that I’m actually suffering here inside. I’m not looking for trouble, but sometimes, it comes looking for me. Girl mommies, represent! Please, give me your scoop if it will help me and my boys.